Alpha Centaurian billionaire says rapidly expanding property empire is merely a diversified investment portfolio and humans should “stop being so fucking paranoid”
CLEARWATER, Fla. — Twenty years after Alpha Centaurian entrepreneur Rarf Nangork first began aggressively investing in American real estate, the alien billionaire has apparently decided that owning a few houses, restaurants and commercial properties wasn't enough.
He now seems to be buying the planet.
Property records reviewed by Funny Newz indicate that companies connected to Nangork have acquired thousands of residential and commercial properties across the United States, along with hotels, apartment complexes, agricultural land, warehouses, shopping centers and several parcels whose only apparent selling point is their proximity to major military installations.
Nangork says there is nothing suspicious about any of this.
"I like real estate," Nangork told Funny Newz from one of his beachfront homes. "Humans like real estate. Everybody likes real estate. Suddenly an Alpha Centaurian buys 14,000 rental units and everybody loses their fucking minds."
Nangork first attracted attention in 2006 after acquiring a massive Clearwater property as part of an unusual portfolio that already included luxury homes in Telluride, a sprawling Manhattan residence, a Napa Valley winery, beachfront property in North Carolina and, inexplicably, several Subway and Taco Bell franchises in South Florida.
The fast-food holdings have since been sold.
"Terrible margins," Nangork explained.
From Alien Investor to Interstellar Landlord
Nangork's business empire has expanded considerably since then.
His holding company, Nangork Galactic Properties LLC, now controls luxury developments, vacation rentals, apartment buildings and what company literature describes as "premium human habitation opportunities."
Some tenants use a different term.
"Slumlord," said Clearwater resident Denise Harper, whose apartment complex was purchased by a Nangork subsidiary last year.
Harper said rents increased 38 percent shortly after the acquisition, while several promised improvements never materialized.
"They put a hologram of a swimming pool in the courtyard," Harper said. "There isn't actually a swimming pool. You jump in and hit concrete."
Nangork disputes allegations that his properties are poorly maintained.
"Our occupancy rate is 97 percent," he said.
Asked whether that might have something to do with Earth's housing shortage, Nangork stared silently at the reporter for several seconds.
"Again," he said, "97 percent."
Abduction Allegations Continue to Follow Billionaire
Nangork's growing visibility has also renewed questions about persistent allegations that he participated in human abductions during the 1980s and 1990s.
Nangork has repeatedly denied the accusations.
"I have never abducted a human being against their will," he said.
Asked why he qualified the statement with "against their will," Nangork leaned back in his chair.
"Next question."
Nangork also maintains that his restored 2006 Abductor LX is merely a collectible spacecraft and should not be considered evidence of anything.
"It's a classic," he said. "You don't accuse some guy with a '67 Corvette of kidnapping people just because the trunk is big enough."
Records show Nangork recently spent approximately $140,000 restoring the spacecraft's tractor beam, atmospheric cloaking system and rear examination compartment.
Nangork described the latter as "factory equipment."
“I Am Not Flipping Earth”
Perhaps the most persistent controversy surrounding Nangork dates all the way back to 2006. That year, according to an old Clearwater police report, an intoxicated Nangork allegedly announced that he intended to "flip this friggin' planet" while causing a disturbance at a seafood restaurant.
Nangork now says the remark has been badly misinterpreted for two decades.
"I was drunk," he said. "I'd had eight Mai Tais."
Asked whether he currently has any intention of purchasing enough terrestrial property to eventually sell Earth to another civilization, Nangork laughed.
"Do you have any idea what the closing costs would be?" He then paused. "And who told you Earth was for sale?"
Washington Takes Notice
Nangork's rapidly expanding holdings have nevertheless attracted increasing scrutiny from regulators, housing advocates and government officials concerned about the concentration of property under companies whose ultimate owner technically resides 4.37 light-years away.
Nangork dismisses those concerns as anti-alien hysteria.
"I'm an entrepreneur," he said. "I create jobs. I pay taxes. Usually. I own property. I date beautiful women. I occasionally get photographed leaving a nightclub at four in the morning. That's called contributing to the economy."
He also rejected speculation that his increasingly public profile represents preparation for something larger.
"I have absolutely no intention of announcing a campaign for president at this time," Nangork said.
Asked why a large banner reading NANGORK 2028 was being unloaded from a truck behind him, the Alpha Centaurian looked over his shoulder.
"That's unrelated."
He then smiled.
"Completely unrelated."
About the Author
Matt De Reno
Scratch De Reno is the not-so-secret alias of author and occasional clown Matt De Reno, who, despite his advancing age, never quite grew up and still finds an alarming number of juvenile things funny. When he isn't clowning around at Funny Newz, Matt is the author of The Midas Files, a considerably more serious series of conspiracy thrillers involving mysterious technology, government secrets, UFOs, murder and other grown-up things. You won't find quite this level of silliness in The Midas Files—but every now and then, a little Scratch manages to sneak through. Contact him at
