MOJAVE DESERT, CALIFORNIA — Adrian Covarrubias of the Mojave Desert Resource Conservation and Development Council was rattling across the desert Thursday in a government-leased Jeep Commander when he spotted yet another suspicious alien artifact on the distant horizon.
Upon arriving at the scene, Covarrubias was disappointed to find what he described as “another cheap-looking, half-finished piece of extraterrestrial junk” standing in the sand.
“It’s becoming a real problem,” Covarrubias said. “The aliens are trying to cash in on the real estate boom in Southern California. They watch all those reality shows about flipping houses and think if they throw up a mysterious desert shack, they can make a fortune.”
Covarrubias paused, kicked the base of the rectangular structure, and frowned.
“For crying out loud, build us a stone pyramid or something,” he said. “Not some IKEA-looking, cookie-cutter alien artifact made out of space particle board.”
Experts Blame Alpha Centauri Developers
Dr. Frederick Diffendorfer, an archaeological expert in interstellar ruins on Earth, echoed Covarrubias’ concerns.
According to Diffendorfer, the cheap rectangular pillars are likely the work of opportunistic Alpha Centaurian developers using the lowest-grade galactic construction material available: OSB-GG, or Oriented Strand Board — Galactic Grade.
“It’s the stuff of alien shanty towns,” Diffendorfer said. “You hate to see it. Once upon a time, alien civilizations gave us pyramids, stone circles, impossible alignments, and mysterious carvings no one could explain. Now they’re dropping prefab rectangles in the desert and calling it ancient wonder.”
Diffendorfer said the workmanship was especially disappointing.
“There are no carvings, no celestial orientation, no ominous humming, no prophecy chamber,” he said. “Honestly, I’ve seen more mystery in a Home Depot lumber aisle.”
Zoning Laws May Be Coming
Despite the possible significance of the extraterrestrial structures, Covarrubias says he will recommend that the council introduce new zoning laws against cheap monument construction unless the artifact has a reasonable chance of becoming a wonder of the world.
“We’re not anti-alien,” Covarrubias said. “We’re anti-eyesore.”
The latest pillar marks the fourth time in the past year that taxpayer funds have been used to demolish what officials call “substandard extraterrestrial construction.”
“It’s like picking up litter,” Covarrubias said. “I wouldn’t exactly say the aliens are stupid for doing this, but let’s just say the search for intelligent life should not be called off quite yet.”
Serial Numbers Lead to Familiar Developer
Investigators say serial numbers found on the latest pillars trace back to Earth-based developer Rarf Nanork, an Alpha Centaurian alien who lives openly among Americans and has been linked to several controversial interstellar real estate projects.
Nanork felt slighted when told his latest monuments were “nothing to brag about” and amounted to “just another eyesore on planet Earth.”
“If Covarrubias wants to take them down, I have a good idea where he can put the first pillar,” Nanork said. “And believe me, with my ’06 Abductor, it’s possible.”
Nanork denied that the monuments were cheap, unfinished, or part of a speculative land-flipping scheme.
“These are premium ancient-future luxury ruins,” he said. “Very desirable. Open concept. Great desert views. Easy commute to secret military installations.”
Residents Remain Skeptical
Local residents say they are tired of poorly constructed alien artifacts appearing overnight and lowering property values.
“I don’t mind extraterrestrial mysteries,” said Mojave resident Dale Whitcomb. “But if you’re going to confuse humanity for thousands of years, at least use quality materials.”
Another resident complained that the structures lacked basic amenities.
“No shade, no parking, no gift shop,” she said. “How is that supposed to become a tourist trap?”
Covarrubias says the council is reviewing possible penalties, including fines, demolition fees, and mandatory disclosure forms for any alien-built structure visible from a county road.
“We welcome visitors from across the galaxy,” he said. “We just ask that they respect local codes, stop dumping weird rectangles in the desert, and maybe once in a while build something with a little grandeur.”
Editor’s Note: The Funny Newz is satire. Please do not approach mysterious desert monuments, especially if they appear to be made from galactic-grade particle board or financed through interstellar adjustable-rate mortgages.
