BLACKSBURG, VIRGINIA — Dr. Emilio Disaronno, a one-armed senior robotics researcher at the Virginia Polytechnic School of Robotics, says the 2024 International Robotics Competition was rigged after a novelty chattering-teeth robot beat his highly advanced killing machine for a major defense contract.
Disaronno, who lost his arm in what university officials continue to describe as “an unfortunate prototype enthusiasm incident,” claims the competition rewarded cronyism over scientific achievement.
“Cronyism is clearly at work here,” Disaronno said. “The inventor who won was famous for selling key chains until he came out with this chattering teeth robot. I mean, technically, yes, it is a robot. But come on. Look at it. It’s a cheap piece of crap.”
The winning inventor, Hank Gulatarski of Wheeling, West Virginia, was awarded $1 billion to further develop his robot, affectionately known as Chattering Chompers.
A Dark Horse With Teeth
According to promotional materials, Chattering Chompers can reach speeds upward of 120 miles per hour, frighten enemy combatants, and create what officials describe as “a psychologically confusing battlefield environment.”
Disaronno disagrees.
“This is not innovation,” he said. “This is a wind-up toy with delusions of grandeur.”
He argues that the contract should have gone to his robot, the Human Engineered Robotic Man, or HERM, a polymorphic liquid crystal-based combat machine with the intelligence of “one hundred Einstein brains soaked in extra-strong black coffee.”
HERM finished second.
“It can change shape, calculate battlefield strategy, survive extreme temperatures, and punch through reinforced steel,” Disaronno said. “But apparently it cannot compete with novelty teeth from Wheeling.”
Inventor Denies Accusations
The Funny Newz tracked down Gulatarski outside Godfather’s Gentleman’s Club on Wheeling Island, where he was selling “Drunk A–Z” T-shirts from the trunk of a late-model Buick Regal.
Surrounded by several enthusiastic supporters and three duffel bags full of promotional merchandise, Gulatarski denied all accusations of favoritism.
“Sour grapes,” he said. “I simply designed a better robot.”
When asked to explain Chattering Chompers’ military advantages, Gulatarski held up the device and wound it several times.
“It’s wireless,” he said. “It’s compact. It runs on two alkaline batteries. And if the batteries die, you can crank it manually. That’s versatility.”
Gulatarski also noted that Chattering Chompers can be disguised with a cigarette, hidden in a lunchbox, or deployed from the cupholder of a 1998 Ford Taurus.
“That’s urban warfare,” he said. “You don’t need a liquid metal death man. You need something that can sneak into a room and make people uncomfortable.”
Government Misconduct Not Found, Mostly Because We Stopped Looking
After a careful investigation consisting of one interview, several drinks, and a brief demonstration in the parking lot, The Funny Newz found no evidence of government misconduct.
Whereas Disaronno’s robot appears to be an advanced liquid-polymer war machine capable of assuming any shape, Gulatarski’s robot is practical, affordable, manually rechargeable, and funny when placed next to a bowl of pretzels.
“I liked Disaronno’s robot better when it was called T2,” Gulatarski said.
Disaronno called that remark “unprofessional, derivative, and legally difficult to rebut.”
Chattering Chompers to Receive Major Upgrades
With the influx of government funding, Gulatarski plans to improve Chattering Chompers by adding several features, including patriotic decals, remote-control steering, and the ability to sing songs like novelty fish mounted on a wall.
“It would be really cool if it could sing ‘I’m All Shook Up’ and then neutralize about twenty deeply confused enemy combatants,” Gulatarski said.
He is also considering a deluxe model that plays “Yankee Doodle,” emits sparks, and yells “freedom snack” before entering a target zone.
Defense analysts say the concept is unconventional but not without merit.
“In modern warfare, confusion matters,” said one retired colonel. “If I saw a pair of wind-up chattering teeth coming toward me at 120 miles per hour, I would absolutely reconsider several life choices.”
Second Place, First in Nightmares
For fairness, The Funny Newz reviewed Disaronno’s HERM prototype and found it technically impressive but emotionally unsettling.
The robot can reportedly morph into any shape, mimic human movement, solve advanced equations, and stare into a person’s soul until they confess things they had only thought about doing.
“It is clearly superior in nearly every measurable way,” admitted one competition judge. “But Chattering Chompers had charm.”
Another judge agreed.
“HERM made us fear the future,” she said. “Chattering Chompers made us laugh, then briefly fear the future in a more affordable way.”
Disaronno remains bitter.
“I spent seventeen years developing the most advanced robotic weapons platform on Earth,” he said. “And I lost to a mouth with feet.”
At press time, Chattering Chompers had reportedly escaped its display case, crossed three state lines, and was last seen pursuing a vending machine outside Pittsburgh.
Editor’s Note: The Funny Newz is satire. Please do not weaponize chattering teeth, novelty fish, or any other promotional product without first consulting a qualified adult.
