The Funny Newz: Terrorist capture Super Angel Dave Harper

CAIRO AND BAGHDAD— In a bizarre turn of events that sounds more like a rejected action movie script, Angel First Class David Harper was embroiled in a heavenly mishap during a routine soul patrol from Cairo to Baghdad. Assigned to watch over American soldiers, Harper's mission took a divine detour when he stepped out of his UberX and walked straight into a six-man ambush, sources confirm to FunnyNewz.

Author's Note: Back in the 2000s, I penned this article for a now defunct website renowned for its whimsical takes on conspiracy theories and unusual events, Silly CoverUps. As we revisit these playful narratives today, I'm excited to repurpose them for storytelling posterity. The tales, rich with satire and wit, were crafted during a time of lighter digital footprints, yet they resonate with timeless humor. Join us as we breathe new life into these stories, preserving the spirit of fun and satire that originally brought them to the page. Enjoy the revival of these quirky classics through a modern lens!

Described by insiders as a "budget-conscious and rogue Al Qaeda offshoot," the group, Terror Till Payday, issued a celestial ransom note. They demanded the U.S. military disarm in Iraq, abandon their posts, and, in a comedic twist, leave the keys in their Hummers and tanks.

But fate, with a sense of irony, intervened in the form of ex-U.S. Navy Seal Joe Christian, currently a moderately successful used camel dealer on the streets of Baghdad. Christian, ousted from the Seals over a trivial spat involving arm wrestling and a high-ranking officer, found himself in the right place at the right time. He was swiftly recruited to save the beleaguered seraph in what critics might call a derivative Steven Seagal movie plot—Segal himself is rumored to be interested in adapting this fiasco for the screen.

Bursting into the hideout, Christian dispatched the makeshift militant crew and liberated the angelic operative. As the dust settled, Harper reportedly quipped to his captors, “All those virgins you were promised in the afterlife? Just met them; they've changed their plans.”

Stay tuned to FunnyNewz for more updates on this celestial saga that continues to unfold like the plot of a film desperately in need of a rewrite.