BOSTON — The Funny Newz has recently tackled one of humanity’s most persistent spiritual questions: why aren’t everyone’s prayers being answered?
Is it because God does not care? Is it because mortals ask for too much? Is it because three separate people prayed for opposite teams to win the same football game?
According to Rev. Lou McKenna of the Fox Mulder Church in Boston, the answer is far less cataclysmic.
God is simply not great with computers.
“Even with the latest MS Prayer software installed on His PC, God seems to have no idea how to operate it,” McKenna said. “As a monotheistic deity, He appears especially drawn to the solitaire game that came pre-installed on the machine. That may explain why so many prayers feel like they’re sitting unread.”
Bandwidth, Not Benevolence
McKenna insists unanswered prayers are not caused by divine indifference, but by technical limitations.
“You have to understand that server capacity in heaven is limited,” he said. “It’s more about bandwidth than benevolence.”
According to McKenna, the situation is comparable to opening Outlook in the morning and finding four billion unread emails, not counting spam, duplicate requests, and messages flagged as urgent because someone wants better parking at Target.
“That gives you a sense of the problem,” he said. “Now imagine half of those emails are asking for lottery numbers, weight loss without exercise, or for the Steelers to cover the spread.”
MS Prayer Still Underused
McKenna says the latest version of MS Prayer includes several helpful filtering tools that could significantly reduce the celestial workload.
The software can reportedly identify and sort common prayer categories, including sports victories, job promotions, awkward blind dates, and requests beginning with the phrase “I know I don’t usually ask for much.”
“Sports-related prayers alone account for a shocking amount of server traffic,” McKenna said. “Then you have promotion requests, relationship requests, and people asking for traffic lights to turn green because they left late.”
Self-centered prayers make up much of the remaining backlog, making it difficult for heavenly staff to locate the requests genuinely focused on compassion, healing, forgiveness, or helping someone else.
“The software can filter that,” McKenna said. “But someone has to click the button.”
Cloud-9 IT Department Under Scrutiny
McKenna also points to what he calls “a troubling reluctance toward new technology among senior management at Cloud-9.”
He specifically cited St. Peter, Heaven’s longtime gatekeeper and nominal IT administrator, who has allegedly resisted all attempts to improve his computer skills.
“St. Peter still prints emails,” McKenna said. “That tells you everything.”
Sources familiar with Cloud-9 operations say Peter remains skeptical of software updates, cloud migration, and anything requiring two-factor authentication. He is, however, reportedly very comfortable monopolizing the Xbox whenever a new Madden game is released.
“He says he’s testing morale systems,” one angelic intern said. “But mostly he plays franchise mode.”
Spam Remains a Major Problem
Heavenly spam filters are also reportedly overwhelmed.
McKenna claims a growing number of prayer requests are actually automated messages, scam petitions, or suspicious miracle-forwarding chains.
“Every day, the system gets thousands of messages saying, ‘Forward this prayer to ten people or lose your blessing,’” McKenna said. “Those are not helping.”
Other problematic requests include vague subject lines, all-caps pleas, and prayers sent repeatedly because the petitioner was unsure whether the first one “went through.”
“God sees the first request,” McKenna said. “The other 47 just create duplicate tickets.”
AI Confession Program Coming Soon
When he is not rebooting crashed souls in his parish, McKenna says he is working to modernize church operations.
His latest initiative is a controversial program offering confessions through an AI chatbot.
Parishioners would simply message their transgressions, and the chatbot would analyze the situation, identify recurring moral patterns, and suggest an appropriate penance.
“AI isn’t just for resumes and cover letters,” McKenna said. “It can also tell you that stealing your neighbor’s Wi-Fi and lying about it during Lent may require more than three Hail Marys.”
Early testers say the chatbot is promising but still imperfect. One parishioner reportedly confessed to envy and received a recipe for banana bread. Another admitted to gossip and was advised to update Windows.
“We’re working out the bugs,” McKenna said. “Salvation has always required patience.”
Hope for an Upgrade
Despite the technical challenges, McKenna remains optimistic that Heaven’s prayer-management system can improve.
He says the key is better filtering, modernized infrastructure, and possibly moving God away from solitaire during peak prayer hours.
“People should not lose faith,” McKenna said. “Their prayers are not being ignored. They may simply be waiting in a very large inbox next to seven billion messages labeled ‘miscellaneous.’”
At press time, Heaven’s IT department had reportedly announced a temporary service interruption for “scheduled maintenance, eternal upgrades, and one very stubborn printer.”
Editor’s Note: The Funny Newz is satire. Please do not submit duplicate prayers, open suspicious miracle attachments, or ask St. Peter for technical support during football season.
