BOULDER, COLORADO — Cliff Epperson, a help desk support specialist at Hewlett-Packard, says he is considering legal action after deciding to become a millionaire and then somehow not becoming one.
Epperson, who describes his position in the IT hierarchy as “somewhere between essential infrastructure and office plankton,” says he has spent nearly 15 years trying to climb the corporate ladder, only to be knocked down a few rungs every performance-review season.
“In almost 15 years, I have never climbed out of the 30s salary-wise,” Epperson said. “Or out of my parents’ game room, real-estate-wise.”
But recently, Epperson believed all of that was about to change.
The Commercial That Changed Almost Nothing
While driving to what he calls “the cube farm,” Epperson heard a radio advertisement promising the secret to financial freedom.
The ad claimed that to become a millionaire, a person must first “decide to become a millionaire.”
According to the program, that personal decision was the real key to wealth, along with a “free” set of books that required a credit card, shipping fee, processing fee, motivational surcharge, and what Epperson later described as “a suspiciously recurring monthly empowerment debit.”
Still, he was intrigued.
“I was surprised the solution was that easy,” Epperson said. “Here I thought you had to be Bill Gates, invent something, inherit money, exploit a market inefficiency, or at least own a sketchy late-night franchise.”
Instead, Epperson went home, stood in front of his bathroom mirror, and made the decision.
“I said it out loud,” he explained. “I looked myself in the eye and said, ‘Cliff, you are now a millionaire.’”
The next morning, his bank account disagreed.
Still Handling Tickets
One week later, Epperson says he had not made “one iota more” than he had before making the life-changing declaration.
“I did exactly what those people said,” he said. “I decided. I committed. I visualized. I even wrote ‘millionaire mindset’ on a sticky note and put it on my monitor next to a password reset ticket from accounting.”
Nothing happened.
Epperson remained at work, answering help desk calls, troubleshooting mouse issues, and explaining to employees that turning a computer off and back on again does not count as “advanced hacking.”
“That’s when I realized I had been misled,” he said. “Their ad specifically said countless people became mega-rich by deciding to be that way. Well, I decided. Where’s my yacht?”
Legal Options Appear Limited
Epperson contacted The Funny Newz for advice, insisting that the self-help company had engaged in false advertising.
“I think I can sue these crooks,” he said, nervously adjusting several pens in his pocket. “All I had to do was decide to be rich. I did that. Nothing happened. Now I want justice.”
Unfortunately, after several minutes of research and one quick glance at the fine print, The Funny Newz advised Epperson that his legal case might be weak.
The advertisement did not guarantee actual wealth, only the emotional sensation of having taken the first step toward wealth, provided the customer also purchased additional materials, attended a weekend seminar, upgraded to the Platinum Abundance Circle, and stopped asking so many negative questions.
“That’s where they get you,” Epperson said. “The decision is free. Everything after that costs $399.”
Self-Help Industry Defends Itself
Representatives from the motivational wealth industry defended the program.
“Mr. Epperson clearly failed to decide hard enough,” said one spokesperson. “Many people think deciding to become a millionaire is a simple mental act. In reality, it requires total commitment, premium coaching access, and at least six upsells.”
The spokesperson also suggested that Epperson may have undermined his own abundance journey by continuing to think about bills, rent, dental insurance, and the price of printer toner.
“Scarcity thinking is very powerful,” she said. “So is compound interest, but we try not to bring that up in the intro package.”
Coworkers Notice No Change
Epperson’s coworkers say they did not observe any millionaire behavior after his decision.
“He still microwaved leftover spaghetti in the break room,” said one colleague. “I feel like millionaires don’t do that. Or if they do, they use better containers.”
Another coworker said Epperson briefly tried to act wealthy by referring to the vending machine as “my portfolio.”
“He bought peanut M&M’s and said he was diversifying,” the coworker said. “Then his card declined.”
A Moment of Reflection
For a brief moment, Epperson turned his frustration toward The Funny Newz after noticing our reporter getting into a company-paid BMW.
“You look like you made a ton of money,” he said, visibly irritated. “How did you do it?”
The answer was simple.
“The secret,” our reporter said, adjusting his sunglasses, “is never settling for less.”
Epperson stood silently for several seconds, processing the wisdom.
Then his phone buzzed.
Someone in payroll could not find the any key.
At press time, Epperson had decided to become a billionaire, just to see if skipping a level would help.
Editor’s Note: The Funny Newz is satire. Deciding to become a millionaire may improve your attitude, but results may vary if your financial plan consists entirely of radio commercials, sticky notes, and yelling “abundance” at your checking account.
