Funny Newz: Drunk Big Foot Destroys Pharmacy

HAYDEN, Idaho – Sam Clark, 56, a familiar face in the realm of “Bigfoot” sightings, was once the proud owner of Medicine Man Hayden Pharmacy. He often fed a local Bigfoot known as “Seamus,” who would occasionally wander into his wooded backyard overlooking Casco Bay. Clark would leave out hams, bananas, leftover Long John Silver’s, and some of his wife’s notoriously dreadful meatloaf for the curious creature.

Life was good. Like many in the area, Clark believed most Bigfoots were relatively harmless and preferred to keep to themselves—until one allegedly wreaked havoc on his pharmacy business last week. 

“It was a slow night. I was alone, flipping through the latest issue of Maxim when suddenly, a Bigfoot burst into my store, a wild look in his eyes,” recalled a visibly shaken Clark.

“He yanked me over the counter and demanded, ‘Where’s the damn Lamisil?’ Before I could respond, he kneed me in the groin and wreaked havoc on my store. His breath reeked of bourbon.” 

Clark is not alone in his experience. Other pharmacy owners in the area have reported similar attacks by an erratic and uncontrollable Bigfoot, seemingly fixated on acquiring Dr. Scholl’s foot products and other podiatric ointments and balms.

Todd Birnbauer, 45, a former manager of Walgreen’s Appleway Drug Store just a few miles from Clark’s, recounted how his store was devastated by a drunken Bigfoot last year.

“I sympathize with Sam (Clark),” Birnbauer stated, now making a living selling painkillers from his studio apartment. “Yetis (Bigfoots) can be friendly in nature, but when they've been ‘overindulging’—watch out.”

Kootenai County Sheriff Gus Watson expressed a desire to bring Bigfoot in for questioning. He is contemplating whether to seek a warrant for the creature's arrest but primarily aims to inform him that help is available. 

Watson has placed signs around town, yet Bigfoot remains elusive. “Something’s definitely afoot (no pun intended),” Watson remarked. “Typically, Yetis leave us alone. However, if a group of Bigfoots vandalized these stores, they will be held accountable. If Seamus is struggling with a drinking problem or some foot fungus, we want him to know there's no shame in that… In fact, if you see my big toe...” 

Oh, look at the time! I have to run, Sheriff!

Why are men so captivated by the legend of Bigfoot? It’s a question that sparks endless debates, fuels countless adventures, and unites a community of passionate believers and skeptics alike.

Whether you’re an outdoor enthusiast, adventure seeker, dad, or thriller fan, the allure of Bigfoot is irresistible. In this post, we’ll explore the enduring legacy of Bigfoot in America, its role in the Midas Protocol, and why the question of its existence might not be as important as the thrill it brings. Let's get into why Bigfoot continues to captivate the imagination of men everywhere.

Bigfoot's Enduring Legacy in America: A Legend Born in the Wild

Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch, has been a part of American folklore for centuries. Native American tribes were among the first to speak of a giant, hairy creature lurking in the forests. These tales have been passed down through generations, each adding a layer of mystique to the legend. For men, especially those who love the outdoors, these stories ignite a sense of adventure and curiosity. The idea of encountering such a creature in the wild is both thrilling and terrifying.

The Patterson-Gimlin Film

No discussion about Bigfoot is complete without mentioning the iconic Patterson-Gimlin film. Shot in 1967, this short piece of footage supposedly shows a female Bigfoot walking through the forests of Northern California. Despite numerous attempts to debunk it, the film remains one of the most compelling pieces of evidence supporting the existence of Bigfoot. For many men, the Patterson-Gimlin film is a catalyst for their fascination, serving as both a mystery to solve and a challenge to overcome.

Bigfoot Pop Culture Phenomenon 

Over the years, Bigfoot has permeated American pop culture, appearing in movies, TV shows, books, and even commercials. Films like "Harry and the Hendersons" and shows like "Finding Bigfoot" have kept the legend alive, appealing to a broad audience. For dads, watching these shows with their kids provides a shared experience that blends adventure with family bonding. The legend of Bigfoot serves as a bridge between generations, making it a timeless topic of interest.

Will Bigfoot appear In The Midas Files series?

In "The Midas Protocol: Midas Files Book One," I must admit that I couldn't resist referencing Bigfoot in some fashion. It began as a whimsical idea, but my character, Ex-Sheriff Clipper Watson, a Vietnam veteran, hands out a business card declaring himself a Bigfoot hunter.

This prompts me to consider delving deeper into this concept in the second book of the Midas Files, titled "Call of the Minotaur." How could I pass up such an intriguing opportunity? The challenge lies in how to approach it. Perhaps Clipper should actually run a company that organizes Bigfoot expeditions. Or perhaps Bigfoot himself should make an appearance. The possibilities are endless.