The Funny Newz: Space SUVs Here - 2024 "Abductors" Sighted

Peyote, Arizona – In a bizarre twist of fate, extreme sports aficionado Wayne “Goose” Peterson, 25, of Chicago, found himself paragliding off a Native American burial ground when he spotted what he initially believed to be oversized AirPods cruising through the sky at breakneck speeds. “I thought I was hallucinating from the peyote,” Goose said, as he whipped out his iPhone to capture the moment. “Turns out, they were just interstellar hotrods looking for a good time.”

Witnesses report that the mysterious objects vanished as quickly as they appeared, leaving Goose to wonder if he should add “alien tech photographer” to his résumé.

“I was pretty sure I had chugged one too many Mountain Dews, bro,” remarked Peterson, a pizza delivery driver living the quintessential American dream. “These things were like ten Coachella crowds crammed into one! I mean, I’ve seen big things in my time, but this? This was next level, man.”

In a shocking turn of events, Peterson’s recent account joins the growing list of bizarre sightings flooding FNz. We reached out to Dr. Danforth Brainerd, the esteemed Chair of the SETI Institute and noted ufologist, who provided a mind-boggling theory for the sudden rise of extraterrestrial SUVs. 

“While Americans obsess over EVs and driverless cars, aliens seem to be embracing an SUV craze that Earthlings are desperately trying to shake off,” Dr. Brainerd explained, barely suppressing a chuckle. “The Abductor has become the latest galactic must-have, but with hydrogen fusion core prices skyrocketing, these saucers are about to become the hottest luxury items in the cosmos. Even aliens are feeling the financial pinch! And don’t even get me started on safety—GSC clearly dropped the ball there.”

Dr. Brainerd was referencing the notorious fuel pump and spark plug malfunctions that haunted earlier Abductor models. Meanwhile, high-end trim versions flaunt a Gold Box quantum field propositioning engine, but slapping next-gen hypercube tech onto your saucer could send costs into orbit.

When we approached celebrity alien entrepreneur Rarf Nangork for insights on making interstellar flying saucers more fuel-efficient and safe, he remained tight-lipped. (Note: Nangork’s investment portfolio suspiciously includes shares in General Saucers Co., which could explain his reluctance to engage on the topic.)

Nangork: “Remember When We Had to Use Humans as UFO Fuel? Good Times!” 

In a shocking update, intergalactic entrepreneur Nangork revealed in a telepathic briefing with Funny Newz, “You have to consider where we have come from. Just 20 years ago, we were tossing humans into fuel tanks to power our UFOs. Now? These new Abductors can zoom back to BH I-97 without a pit stop! Fewer abductions from a human perspective, folks!” 

However, not everyone is on board with Nangork’s interstellar cheerleading. Dr. Brainerd, author of the upcoming expose Unsafe At Any Warp Factor (Harper Collins Mind Books, summer 2020), was quick to dismiss the alien's claims. “Nangork doesn’t belong in this dialogue. His souped-up Abductor blasted through the Milky Way’s Warp Tunnel last year and wiped out eight of our SETI radio telescopes! He knows we can’t handle that kind of bass, but his priorities are clearly elsewhere.”

Meanwhile, Nangork is eyeing a run as an independent candidate in the 2028 U.S. Presidential election. When asked for comment, he remained tight-lipped, likely considering his cosmic strategy. 

Editor’s Note: Billionaire alien Rarf Nangork previously campaigned for the U.S. Presidency against Donald Trump in 2016, only to have his galactic dreams dashed. Since then, he has been busy amassing business empires throughout the Universe. Stay tuned as his campaign travels from Alpha Centauri to Iowa sometime in the next eight years.