CHICAGO — In the wake of a brutal snowstorm that battered the Northeastern United States, scientists now believe a Bargain United flight from Washington to Chicago remained grounded so long that at least one passenger’s dog experienced time travel.
The dog, Muffin, was reportedly a puppy when he boarded the aircraft with his owners in December. By the time the flight crew finished boarding, deplaning, reboarding, re-deplaning, apologizing, misplacing luggage, rediscovering luggage, and announcing a “brief operational pause,” Muffin had matured into a fully grown dog.
“It has scientists scratching their heads,” said one airport official. “And Muffin scratching himself.”
Muffin the Time-Traveling Dog
Muffin’s owners say they initially thought their puppy was simply tired from the delay. Then they noticed he had doubled in size, developed adult teeth, and started ignoring basic commands with the confidence of a middle-aged golden retriever.
“He was a puppy when we left Washington,” said owner Karen Blevins. “By the time we reached Chicago, he needed a larger collar, senior dog food, and seemed emotionally prepared to refinance a mortgage.”
Airport veterinarians confirmed that Muffin appeared to have aged well beyond the expected duration of the flight.
“This is highly unusual,” said one veterinarian. “Even for Bargain United.”
MIT Physicist Weighs In
Dr. Miles Drummond, a theoretical physicist at MIT and self-described time-travel expert, says Bargain United’s operational response may have created a rare temporal distortion.
“It appears the airline moved so slowly that normal time overtook the crew,” Drummond explained. “It’s like that Einstein theory where if you travel near the speed of light with a baby and then return, the baby is suddenly working for a ride-share company in Southern California. Except this was the opposite. Or sideways. Possibly airline-related.”
To demonstrate his point, Drummond produced an apple with a wormhole in it.
“This came from the refreshment cart,” he said. “See? A wormhole.”
When asked whether the apple may have simply been old, Drummond nodded.
“That is also consistent with Bargain United service.”
Other Passengers Report Similar Effects
Muffin may not be the only victim of the delay.
Jennifer Baden was reportedly an infant when she left Boston on a Bargain United flight bound for Seattle. After a snowstorm grounded the aircraft for what airline representatives called “a weather-related opportunity for patience,” Jennifer deplaned as a toddler.
Her parents were both relieved and concerned.
“We packed formula,” said her father, Greg Baden. “By the time we landed, she was asking for crackers and judging our parenting.”
Another passenger, Dick Epstein of Long Island, says his young son appeared to age several academic years during the delay.
“I was paying for daycare when I left,” Epstein said. “Now I have to start thinking about college tuition. Will Bargain United reimburse me for that? I doubt it. Worse yet, I don’t even know this kid anymore. He has opinions about podcasts.”
Airline Consultants See Opportunity
Industry analysts predict Bargain United will eventually recover from the public relations fallout, much as other airlines have recovered from weather disasters, computer failures, baggage crises, and the invention of economy seating.
Terry Doppler, an aviation analyst whose uncle invented something he insists is “basically related to radar,” believes the airline can survive if operational changes are made.
“They just need to ensure passengers are not aged too drastically on future flights,” Doppler said. “A few hours is acceptable. A long weekend is unfortunate. Full biological advancement is where customers start to complain.”
Dan Goode-Vodka, an airline consultant, suggested Bargain United could even turn the incident into a marketing opportunity.
“This was a painful learning experience,” Goode-Vodka said. “But think about the upside. Bargain United can show parents what their children will look like as grown-ups. That’s pretty neat if you ask me.”
He paused.
“Obviously, they should charge extra for that.”
Bargain United Announces Customer Bill of Time Travel Rights
David Neely, founder and CEO of Bargain United, has promised a new “Customer Bill of Time Travel Rights” to address passenger concerns.
Under the proposed policy, customers may be eligible for compensation if a delay causes their infant to become a teenager, their dog to reach adulthood, or their carry-on luggage to return from the future with knowledge of global events.
“We take time seriously,” Neely said. “Especially when we lose track of it.”
The bill would also require flight crews to notify passengers if a delay is expected to exceed normal inconvenience and enter what the airline now calls “chronological disruption territory.”
Critics say the policy does not go far enough.
“They gave me a voucher,” Epstein said. “My kid needs braces.”
Technology Takes the Blame, Probably
Bargain United officials blamed the incident on a combination of severe weather, outdated scheduling systems, crew availability issues, gate confusion, and what one executive described as “a temporary misalignment between customer expectations and the linear experience of time.”
Technology experts say the chaos highlights the airline industry’s dependence on fragile systems.
“When airline technology fails, everything slows down,” said one consultant. “Flights, baggage, communication, food service, aging patterns. The whole thing gets weird fast.”
Bargain United says it is investing in improved systems to ensure future passengers remain within their expected biological age range.
“We are committed to keeping time travel where it belongs,” Neely said. “In science fiction, premium loyalty lounges, and certain unexplained routes through Newark.”
Muffin Adjusting Well
As for Muffin, his owners say he is adjusting to adulthood.
“He’s still sweet,” Karen Blevins said. “But now he has back pain, strong feelings about squirrels, and refuses to sit unless there’s something in it for him.”
Bargain United has offered the family a $47 travel credit, a complimentary checked bag on a future flight, and a small packet of pretzels that Dr. Drummond says may predate the Nixon administration.
Muffin declined to comment, though witnesses say he stared sadly at the baggage carousel as if remembering a younger version of himself that never made it to Chicago.
At press time, Bargain United had delayed another flight from Philadelphia so long that one passenger reportedly boarded single and deplaned divorced.
Editor’s Note: The Funny Newz is satire. If your airline delay causes your pet, child, or emotional baggage to age unexpectedly, please contact customer service, a physicist, and possibly a veterinarian.
Archive Note: This article is adapted from an older Funny Newz-style satire piece and has been cleaned up for the revived Funny Newz archive.
