MIAMI — In a radical departure from current medical opinion, common sense, and several basic rules of chewing, the Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach® has become the latest diet craze sweeping Hollywood.
Many industry insiders predict the trend will soon go mainstream, replacing popular diets such as Fatkins, The Zone, Jenny Craig’s, Whale Watchers, and Frank’s Fat Farm as the preferred lifestyle choice among celebrities, influencers, and people who own expensive blenders but no judgment.
Unlike traditional food plans, the Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach® endorses the mass consumption of tennis balls — boiled, broiled, poached, grilled, deep fried, and, most popularly, juiced.
Supporters claim tennis balls are low in calories, low in carbohydrates, and high in essential fiber, resilience, and whatever that fuzzy green stuff is.
A Medical Breakthrough Nobody Asked For
Dr. Rachel Faddy of the Mayo Clinic says she discovered the diet during a late-night eating binge when she accidentally ate a tennis ball.
“I woke up the next morning feeling lighter,” Faddy said. “Then I stepped on the scale and realized I had lost 25 pounds, three molars, and most of my credibility.”
Since then, Faddy has become the leading advocate for what she calls “sports-based nutritional disruption.”
“People have spent years asking whether they should eat carbs, protein, fats, or plants,” Faddy said. “No one had the courage to ask the obvious question: what if the answer was sporting goods?”
Local Man Loses Weight, Tool Shed
Before beginning the diet, Jerry Duquesne of McKeesport, Pennsylvania, described himself as “built like a guy who deeply respects beer.”
“I used to joke that I needed a big tool shed because I had such a large tool,” Duquesne said. “People laughed, but privately, I despaired. Mostly because nobody wanted to help me move the shed.”
After two weeks on a strict diet of tennis balls, lettuce, and a heaping serving of vegetables he mainly used for garnish, Jerry claims he lost significant weight.
“I no longer have the tool shed,” he said. “I sold it to buy a juicer strong enough to liquefy Wimbledon.”
Duquesne also says he gave up beer and switched to low-calorie imaginary beer, which he describes as “terrible, but emotionally familiar.”
The Sport Is Part of the Meal
According to Faddy, the Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach® is not only about eating tennis balls. It is also centered on the sport itself.
One popular technique is called “lob serving” a meal. During lob serving, two dieters sit at opposite ends of a table and toss food at each other’s mouths. If the food misses, that is considered a successful reduction in caloric intake.
“You only eat what you can catch,” Faddy explained. “It combines portion control, cardiovascular confusion, and the joy of watching your family throw chicken at you.”
Faddy says children especially enjoy the program.
“Kids love throwing food at their parents,” she said. “For once, it can be considered wellness.”
Florida Woman Credits Daily Tennis Ball Juice
Kathy Gensler of Fort Myers, Florida, says she struggled for years to lose weight before a friend sarcastically told her, “Why don’t you eat tennis balls for lunch and see if that helps?”
Gensler took the advice literally.
Three weeks later, she says she had returned to her high school diving form, mostly because she had become aerodynamic from panic.
“Every morning before work, I juice a tennis ball,” Gensler said. “Later in the day, I swallow a tennis ball whole to hold me over until dinner. It keeps me full, focused, and banned from three sporting goods stores.”
Critics Remain Unimpressed
Critics argue that eating tennis balls is no different from eating any other inorganic sporting good.
“In my professional opinion, this is just another gimmick diet,” said FDA researcher Dr. Bernard F. Heinauer, who asked that readers please remember he is not responsible for whatever America does next. “I suppose if I ate my golf shoe, I might lose weight too. That does not make it nutrition.”
Heinauer also criticized lob serving as “bacchanalian,” then paused and admitted he was not entirely sure what that meant.
“It sounds bad,” he said. “And that feels medically relevant.”
Faddy Fires Back
Faddy rejects the criticism.
“Tennis balls have zero calories, taste better than you’d expect, and make a very satisfying sound when they hit the blender,” she said. “What other diet can make that claim?”
When asked whether she had concerns about people actually eating tennis balls, Faddy shrugged.
“Play a couple matches, juice your tennis balls, and throw food at each other’s faces,” she said. “It’s the perfect diet.”
At that point, Faddy shouted, “One serving, incoming!” and lobbed a slice of pie across the interview table.
With whipped cream dripping from my nose, I was forced to admit that while the Tennis Ball Nutritional Approach® may not be medically sound, spiritually responsible, or technically food, it was at least fun to try once.
Editor’s Note: The Funny Newz is satire. Please do not eat tennis balls, golf shoes, or any other sporting goods unless you are a golden retriever with internet access.
