Funny Newz: Is God Playing Solitaire?

The Funny Newz has recently tackled the persistent question: Why aren’t everyone’s prayers being answered? Is it because God doesn’t care? The answer is surprisingly non-cataclysmic: God is simply not adept with computers.

 Rev. Lou McKenna of The Fox Mulder Church in Boston asserts that he has uncovered the enigma surrounding many unanswered prayers:

“Even with the latest MS Prayer software installed on his PC,” Rev. McKenna remarked, “God seems to have no idea how to operate it. As a monotheistic deity, He is particularly drawn to the solitaire game that came pre-installed on his computer. This might explain why it often feels like your prayers are going unanswered.”

“It has been this way for some time,” McKenna stated, providing no evidence of how he acquired this information. With no immediate plans for an upgrade, he fears that more prayers will go unanswered. However, he reassures that it is not due to a lack of desire to read them all.

“You must realize that server capacity in heaven is quite limited,” McKenna explained. “It’s more about bandwidth than benevolence. Picture this: you log into your Outlook in the morning only to find over four billion unread emails, not to mention the spam. That gives you a sense of the situation.”

McKenna suggests that if God took the time to utilize some of the tools he has devised, things might operate more smoothly. The latest version of MS Prayer, for instance, includes helpful filtering features that could significantly lighten his prayer load by eliminating the more trivial requests. He notes that pleas for sports victories, job promotions, and blind dates account for about 80% of his workload. Furthermore, self-centered prayers comprise most of the remainder, making it challenging to identify those that genuinely express concern for others.

Fr. McKenna highlights a prevalent reluctance toward new technology among the senior management at Cloud-9. He specifically points to IT Manager St. Peter, who serves merely as a nominal administrator, showing resistance to enhancing his computer skills, despite being more than willing to monopolize the X-Box whenever a new Madden game is released.

 When he’s not rebooting crashed souls in his parish, Rev. McKenna is working to modernize the Church. His latest initiative? Confessions via AI chatbot. 

The first of its kind, this somewhat controversial program is set to launch next fall. Parishioners can simply message their transgressions, and the chatbot will analyze them and suggest an appropriate penance. 

“Chat GPT isn’t just for writing resumes and cover letters,” he said, “it’s for salvation too!”