Funny Newz: Company Limits Words Employees Can Use

MIAMI ― The Funny Newz has learned of a company that has limited the number of words its employees can speak and use in email correspondence. They claim it is all part of their plan to streamline the communication process. Furthermore, the limited number of words that employees will speak with helps deal with an increasingly uneducated and idiot-sounding employee workforce, the byproduct of our failed educational institutions. 

Terry Martinovic, a human resource turd with Moroni Associates, an IT staffing agency Miami, came up with a list of “Ten Golden Words.” These are the only words that most of the rank and file in his office need to complete a day without sounding like the complete schmucks that they are, The Funny Newz has learned.   

“I was tired of listening to our employee’s incessant blathering drivel. Nowadays, the ability to hold and maintain intelligent conversation appears to be a lost art. So, why have our employees sound like idiots when they are asked simple questions?” Martinovic said.  

“My list of approved words has taken the guesswork out of thinking about what to say. However, at the same time, my list allows freedom of expression with cool, trendier terms,” Martinovic said.  

He shared with The Funny Newz the list. Drum roll please...

Moroni Associations Ten Approved Words for Employees 

Employees are allowed to say the following words to each other or use in email correspondence (some notes and usage examples in parenthetical):    

1. 1. “Yes” - Free add-ons: “Boss”, “Captain”, or “Sir-ee Bob”, or “Chief”
   2. “No” - Free add-ons: “...F'n way”, “…Can do”, or “…What part didn’t you understand?”
   3. “Booyah!” or "Daaamnnn!” (but not both). - Boss: “Everybody adds ten percent to their bonus this month…” Employee: “Boo-yea!”
   4. "That’s about right" - Employee #1: “Hey, did you hear John called off again on the heaviest work volume day?” Employee #2: “That’s about right!”
   5. "ASAP" - Boss: "I need you get me a bagel, ASAP." Employee: "Yes, Boss!" (Note: Employee scratches nose with middle finger.)
   6. "Noted" - Boss: “The work you did on the Henderson account really sucked.” Employee: “Noted.”)
   7. "Will do" - Boss: "I need you to work all weekend without overtime. Employee: "Will do."
   8. "Cool Beans" Boss: “You have been promoted…” Employee “Cool Beans!”
   9. “I aim to please” - Boss: “Do you think you will reach those projected sales figures?” employee: “I aim to please.”
   10. “Margaritas?” or “Beer?” (but not both) - Employee # 1: “Beer?” Employee # 2: “Boo-yea!”) 

Martinovic said he is working on a list of non-verbal forms of communication as well. This list will include gestures such as making “six-shooters” with your hands. Additionally, other gestures include pumping one’s fist or making a “jerk-off” gesture when an employee feels he is getting the runaround or shafted by management.

Also, there could be an approved management list as well, which would include such stock phrases as “Get the Fuck out of my office” and “Why does this shithead still work here?” 

But, for now, employees will have to adhere to the approved list. The current plan is by no means exhaustive, Martinovic said, but will continually evolve and allows for a reasonable degree of flexibility.   

“For instance,” he said, “you can send someone an email that says ‘Margaritas?’ or ‘Beer?’ but it is either one or the other.” 

We asked Martinovic if we could substitute, say, ‘wine?’ for either ‘margarita?’ or ‘Beer?’ 

His response: “Get the F' out of my office.” 

Communicating Better With Less Jargon

So, you read the story about Martinovic. What can you do about it? Well, it's time for a Funny Lesson in communicating better. Plus, at Scratch Writing, we love improving business communication for either individuals or businesses. (So read this and if you need some help, use the contact us button and let us know.) 

In today's corporate environment, office jargon has practically become a second language, often leaving employees and clients alike rolling their eyes in frustration. Terms like "synergy," "circle back," and "deep dive" have dominated meetings and emails, obscuring real communication under layers of vague buzzwords. 

This tendency to rely on clichés not only dilutes the meaning of conversations but can also alienate those on the receiving end. It's essential to understand that clear, straightforward communication fosters better teamwork and understanding, while excessive jargon can breed confusion and irritation.

So, how can professionals communicate effectively without falling into the jargon trap? By opting for simple expressions and direct language, employees can enhance collaboration and ensure their messages are easily understood.

If you find yourself saying the following phrases often, you might be guilty of poor communication. Drum roll please... (Editor's Note: Should 'drum roll' be on the following list?) 

Coporate Jargon: You Might Have A Problem If You Say...

• • Above my paygrade. matter exceeds your level of authority or responsibility and should be handled by someone in a higher position. 
  • Back burner: This term describes a task or responsibility that you intend to revisit at a later date. 
  • Bandwidth: Relates to one’s workload and the capacity or time available to tackle a situation. For example, "I don’t have the bandwidth to take on that task." 
  • Break down silos: This phrase means removing barriers between teams or departments to enhance efficiency. 
  • Churn: Also known as churn rate, this term measures the number of employees or customers who leave a business within a specific timeframe. 
  • Deep Dive: A comprehensive analysis of a subject or issue. 
  • Drill Down: An in-depth analysis of a particular aspect. 
  • Ducks in a Row: The act of organizing and getting everything under control. 
  • Dumpster Fire: A situation that is disastrously mismanaged or catastrophically bad.
  • Fire Drill: An unexpected task or event that requires immediate attention and action. 
  • Game Changer: A new element that significantly alters the existing situation. 
  • Go to Market: Often referring to a go-to-market strategy, this outlines how a company delivers its products and services to customers. 
  • Hard Stop: A designated end time for an activity, necessitated by subsequent commitments. 
  • In the Weeds: A state of being overwhelmed by work or tasks. 
  • Let’s Circle Back: A suggestion to revisit a topic at a later time. 
  • Let’s Take This Offline: A proposal to discuss a matter privately, away from the larger group. 
  • Low-hanging fruit: Low-effort tasks with high-yield results. 
  • Move the goal posts: Changing the rules to gain an advantage for yourself and make it more difficult for others. 
  • Move the needle: Making a noticeable change. 
  • One-on-one: A regularly scheduled meeting or check-in between two people -- usually, a manager and employee.
  • Pain Point: A challenge faced by business customers and employees.
  • Ping: The sound that indicates a message or text has been received on a computer or phone.
  • Pivot: In business, this refers to changing direction when a strategy is not yielding results.
  • Punt: To delay or postpone an action, such as rescheduling a meeting.
  • Put Out a Fire: To tackle an urgent or unforeseen problem.
  • Reinvent the Wheel: To unnecessarily recreate something that already exists.
  • Run It Up the Flagpole: Testing the reception of a new idea or proposal.
  • Sidebar: An informal, often off-topic discussion that occurs during a meeting.
  • Throw Under the Bus: To blame someone else in order to evade consequences or gain an advantage.
  • Top-Down: A management approach where decisions are made by leadership and communicated down to employees.
  • Voluntold: A humorous term for being told to volunteer.
  • Wheelhouse: An area of expertise or proficiency.

There are a lot more and we would like to credit Sarah Amsler, Senior Manager Editor at TechTarget.com, as the source for the following list. If you frequently find yourself using many of the buzzwords and corporate jargon phrases defined by Amsler in her article "58 Awful Corporate Jargon Phrases You Can't Escape," take a moment to reflect on how you can communicate more clearly and authentically.