The Funny Newz: Are Aliens buying up U.S. Real Estate?

Clearwater, Fl. -- Interstellar Aliens are rapidly buying up U.S. real estate and business holdings at an alarming rate, Funny Newz has learned. More surprisingly, the U.S. Government is now openly helping them do so, through joint venture partnerships and progressive loan programs making it easy for interstellar aliens to do so.

Interstellar Alien Relocation Services (IARS) President and CEO Larry Bauer makes no qualms about it what many see as a selling off of valuable U.S. territory to space aliens.

“There really is nothing to fear,” Bauer said. “These aliens are coming here because they want to relax and contribute to the American way of life. They admire our leisurely lifestyle and want to enjoy it too.”

Image: Rarf Nanork’s newly constructed beach front home in the Outer Banks of Duck, North Carolina.

Bauer stated that beach front homes are a luxury many aliens from the Alpha Centauri system simply can’t get at home, because there is no water on their rocky planets. He claims they have tried to build imitations of luxury homes on their on planet only to have the harsh energy of their binary quasar burn their developments to ashes. Frankly, he said, they got tired of it.

Bauer also cited the increasing cost of “solar flare” insurance in the Alpha Centauri system. “You thought flood insurance and hurricane insurance premiums are expensive—ain’t nothin but a drop in the bucket to them,” he said.

Bauer states that aliens really had no desire to move to Earth, until the advent of the Internet age made it easy for them to peruse real estate listings. Before then, they were content to simply abduct people, conduct experiments for their biology classes and go back home.

Critics contend that Larry Bauer himself may actually be an alien shape-shifter and has manipulated the U.S. Department of Housing into creating a low cost loan program for aliens to buy up U.S. real estate.

Rumored to have been abducted by aliens in the summer of 1983, his children, Tom Bauer, 36, and Sherry Bauer, 25, both of East Lansing, Mich., describe Larry’s peculiar eating habits and strange behavior sine they found him naked in a corn field some two years after his disappearance:

“I was weirded-out dude when I saw my old man swallow a mouse for breakfast,” Tom Bauer said, “It was like from that 80’s TV series ‘V’. He also can microwave a Swanson TV dinner simply by pointing at it.”

Others believe Rarf Nanork nothing more than a sinister planetary speculator.

The Funny Newz has obtained a Clearwater, Fl. police report where Nanork was cited for drunk and disorderly behavior at a Joe’s Crab Shack. The report said a belligerent Nanork railed he was only interested in “Flipping this friggin planet and bagging this stupid rock!” According to the report, he allegedly referred to humans as nothing more than “a bunch of oxygen-swilling hairless monkeys.”

Management called the cops when Nanork groped a waitress and passed out after his eighth Mai Tai.