The Funny Newz: U.S. Military Awards Lucrative Robot Contract, Runner-Up Says “Fix Was In”

Blacksburg, Va. – Dr. Emilio Disaronno, a one-armed senior robotics researcher at The Virginia Polytechnic School of Robotics, who lost his arm when one of his robots tore it off and beat him with it, claims the 2024 world-renowned International Robotics Competition, sponsored by U.S. Army and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, was rigged.

The winner, dark horse inventor, Hank Gulatarski, from Wheeling, W.Va. was awarded $1 billion to further develop his robot (pictured below).

“Cronyism is clearly at work here,” griped Dr. Disaronno. “The inventor who got the contract was famous for selling key chains until they came out with their chattering teeth robot. I mean technically, it is a robot, but comm’on…. Look at it—it’s a cheap piece of crap.”

Image: Supposedly, Chattering Chompers can attain speeds upwards of 120 mph.

Dr. Disarrono claims the lucrative contract was awarded not to the most technically sophisticated machine researchers could develop, but rather to a slimy huckster whose expertise appears to lie chiefly in the field of flimsy promotional products.

We tracked down inventor Hank Gulatarski, winner of the contract, who was selling “Drunk A-Z tee shirts” from the trunk of his late model Buick Regal. Accompanied with an entourage of giddy women, Gulatarski was parked at Godfather’s Gentleman’s Club, an adult-themed dance bar located on Wheeling Island, W.Va.

We told the scruffy red-eyed entrepreneur of Disaronno’s accusations. He was not pleased.

“Sour grapes,” Gulatarski said, showing off several of his robots to a group of impressed exotic dancers. “I simply designed a better robot.”

We believe Gulatarski and found no government misconduct.

Whereas Dr. Dissaronno’s robot is a silicon-based liquid polymer that can morph into any shape, Gulatarski’s robot is more practical in that is wireless and can be disguised with a cigarette. Gulatarski’s robot is powered by two alkaline batteries and you can manually crank it up once the batteries die, thus making it extremely versatile in today’s urban warfare environments.

As we got “Ass-faced to Zonked” with Gulatarski and his girls, it all seemed so laughable.

“I liked Disarrono’s robot better when it was called T2,” quipped Gulatarski.

Image: The winning bot, affectionately known as “Chattering Chompers,” is expected to put the fear of Uncle Sam in terrorist the world over.

With the influx of government capital, Gulatarski plans to add singing songs to his robot, like one of those novelty fish you can mount on the wall.

“It would be really cool,” Gulatarski said, “if our robot could sing ‘I’m All Shook UP’ and then blow up about twenty mystified terrorist.”

For the sake of fairness, below is a photo of Dr. Disarrono’s primitive device. Clearly inferior, the Funny Newz found no reason to believe the award was rigged.

Image:  The Human Engineered Robotic Man is a polymorphic liquid crystal-based killing robot with the intelligence of a hundred Einstein brains soaked in a pot of extra strong black coffee. It took second place to Chattering Chompers.